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So that is how I managed to roll back on my progress in free thinking. I once again was a slave to irrationality, even though I didn't see it that way. I have to be honest though, believing in God once again was really getting me through this horrible ordeal. It was therapeutic to be able to talk to him whenever and wherever I needed to. And I was now convinced that he was going to help me get through this. At night, I would hold a cross and pray, asking for him not to leave me, and to help me get through this. And I promised my devotion to him.
As I began to reinstate my beliefs in God, I wasn't quite sure about what to do with all of the negativity I associated with religion. I figured I would just go back to having the personal relationship I had with God before, because there was no way I was going to become a bad person just to be a good Christian. And that was okay, because that is what got me through before, and that is what would get me through now.
But how did the PMCC 4th Watch come into play? A couple of months before this traumatic event happened, one of my best friends was talking to me about getting out and meeting new persons, because he knew I didn't have many. This friend of mine was a good friend, but more of a father figure, and not the kind of friend that I would hang out with. He also knew that I was lonely and shy, and that I needed a girlfriend too. He suggested that I join a church. I told him that I would never do that. He knew I wasn't religious. But he told me that I wouldn't have to actually join the services, but simply a youth program perhaps just to meet persons. I told him that I wasn't interested in meeting Christians, but he said that not all Christians were like the ones I was thinking of. Because I respected him, I gave it some consideration, but I honestly didn't believe that I was going to do it.
But now, after the situation I was in, I was once again considering that. Perhaps now was the time to go to church and maybe it would help me become even closer to God, and to become less worried about my ordeal. Remember, I was still fearful that I was facing serious trouble. And who knows, maybe I would actually meet new friends. However, I had no clue as to what church I would go to. I might have been having a relapse in judgment, but I was not going to resort to going to church with crazy Christians.
Now, a week before this traumatic event happened, I was actually invited by a friend of mine, who I wasn't really that close to but still friendly with, to attend a Bible study with him. Of course at the time, I had no interest in going. But I actually did start to think about it, only because I was already considering the idea proposed by my other friend. But I would have to tell him that he would have to understand that I would have a great difference of opinion in this matter. However, I never got a chance to answer this invitation, because of what happened to me soon after. But after what happened, I decided that it would be a good start for me to recover. It was funny, because just a week before I would have gone as an atheist, but now I was going as a believer, a Christian. Yuck.
So I did attend, and I have to say, it was very therapeutic for me. I had met some really nice persons, and they became a support group for me. In that one Bible study, I learned more about God and felt that I had made the right decision to come. I would be coming to this once every week.
Now go back to about one month before that traumatic event. I really only had one friend that was close to what an average friend is like, though I still rarely hung out with her. But she was still one of my best friends, and I happened to go with her to help her with an event she was trying to put together at this place that my friend's friend was going to be at. My friend told me it was going to be after a Bible study with her friend's friends from her church. She asked me to come. I said no way. Remember, this was a month before my ordeal and I was a strong atheist who hated the Bible. But she really wanted me to go and I hated to disappoint my friends, so I agreed to go with her. That night, I didn't know I was about to meet my future enemies.
When we got there, I was hoping the Bible study was over, but it was just about to begin. There was a group of about ten church members, including this really beautiful girl I was instantly attracted to. Why did she have to be a Christian? It saddened me, but at least I had fantasies for the rest of the night. Anyway, the pastor conducted the Bible study and it was quite a painful experience. I didn't like the message the he was giving and found it quite offensive. He didn't know that I was an atheist, but I doubt he would care. But while I hated sitting through the study, I remained polite. But I was glad when it was over. I considered having a t-shirt made with the headline "I Survived a Bible Study".
Now flash forward a couple weeks after my terrible experience. I had just attended the Bible study with my friend, and while I was feeling better with my new support group, it was not the same as going to church. I was quite surprised when I had gotten a text message from that one attractive girl at the other Bible study I attended with my friend. I was invited to go to the church of the members that were there that night. I wasn't really sure at first about going, but I desired to know more about God and was thinking about going to a church, so why not give this one a try?
So I went. I remember I was a bit nervous about going. I wasn't looking my best and I was still in a very poor state of mind. I was scared and vulnerable. I didn't know at the time that that was exactly what they would be wanting from me. But still, I was going to the church to ease my suffering. I didn't actually have any intention of joining. I was just going to sit there and see what it was like.
The building was not your average church building, just a small rented couple of rooms in this one small building. When I walked in, I saw the pastor from that one night beginning to preach. There were about twenty persons altogether. Upon entering the room, the pastor greeted me, and I somehow already felt welcome. I looked at the podium with the name of the church. It read "Pentecostal Missionary Church of Christ (4th Watch). I didn't really know the meaning of those words. I didn't even know what "Pentecostal" meant. I was even more curious about what the 4th Watch meant. But I did not ask about it then.
Now at first, and for a while, this church seemed like any other church. It appeared normal. I had never been in a cult before. I have been in several different churches in the past, and while they were all different, I never felt weirded out by any of them. But while my attendance here started out normal enough, I could begin to tell that this church was definitely unique among the other churches I had been to.
I believe it all started when everyone began to pray for the first time. Everyone got down on their knees, which wasn't all that different than other churches, but I had never seen such passion in a pastor's voice. And while the pastor was praying, he would yell out, and tears would start to appear on his face, and others in the congregation would also yell out while the pastor prayed. Then I heard chanting, and certain persons were speaking in languages that I didn't understand. My friends and the majority of the church were Filipino, and I knew what Filipino sounded like, and they were not speaking Filipino. After only a few minutes of being in the church, there was a room full of crying persons down on their knees, praying, chanting, and acting in ways I have never seen adults behave before. And this lasted far longer than any prayer I ever heard in my life. I must say I felt a bit weird about it. I had to admit, it was a bit creepy.
But I am also embarrassed, because this should have been a red flag for me. But like I said, my mind was not operating correctly those days. Somehow, it did not click in me as to what was going on. They were acting extremely unorthodox, and while something inside of me could feel it, I just couldn't make the connection as to what it meant.
I remember that day I was planning on going somewhere after the service was over. Like just about with every other church service, I expected it to be done in about an hour. But I kept looking at the clock, and this church's service lasted for hours, and I am not kidding about that. The service lasted about three hours total. I couldn't believe it. Fortunately, my plan was cancelled, and I didn't have to leave so quickly, but that allowed me to stay longer, and because of that, I began talking to the person who was the friend of my other best friend, who I eventually became extremely close with, and I started to tell her about how bad I felt and how my life was in trouble.
One of the church members heard me talking, and I can tell you now that as soon as she saw how vulnerable I was, she wasted no time snatching me from the conversation, and she took me to a back room and sat down with me. This is the person that gave me the "talk". You know, that Christian talk where they tell you about how Jesus loves you and died for you and that he wants to be your personal savior. I had been given the talk before, so I knew what was coming, but this time I was willing to really listen, because I was serious about it this time, and my mind was in desire for healing from my recent trauma.
I was told how we were all bad persons, and that Jesus would forgive us. This was all stuff I needed to hear. I knew I wasn't perfect, and I began to think about all of the bad things that I ever did, and I felt that God must have been punishing me in some way. Hearing I was a bad person meant that God didn't expect me to be anything more, but hearing that he forgave me made me feel so much better. This lady and I talked for a while, and then we did the "prayer". You know, that initial prayer where you accept Jesus into your life. Yeah I did it. I'm not proud of it, but what can I say. I was vulnerable. I was sick. I was really sick. My mind was not working properly. That is often what happens when you go through such traumatic experiences. In my case, my brain allowed superstition to make it function. But I have to say, at the time, I didn't care about that. I just needed something right then and there to believe in. It felt good. So, I did accept Jesus into my life again. I had no idea what I had just done, and what I would be in for. The prize was excellent, but the cost would prove to be too much.
When I came out of the room and it was mentioned that I had just joined the church, everyone bombarded me with hugs. They all started calling me "brother", and in an instant I felt like I finally found a place I belonged to. Just in that one day, it was like I found a new family. I couldn't believe that just a few days before, I was feeling so lonely, and all of a sudden, I had a new family I belonged to, a new place to go to worship my god. I now know I wasn't thinking rationally, but you'd have to forgive me. I wasn't myself.
I remember shortly afterwards, I sat down with the pastor to do a special prayer about my situation. I never told anyone there about my situation, but that I really needed a special prayer. The pastor was also especially nice to me. When I had asked him to pray for me, we went to his office and we prayed for my situation. I was very grateful to him. I was feeling so much better.
I was told that in order to become a true child of God, I would have to be baptized. I was baptized a long time ago when I was a baby at my childhood church, but I was actually looking forward to this, because I wanted it to symbolize the washing away of my old sinful life. I wanted it to represent a new life for me. So I got baptized. Yeah I did it. I remember when they put me in water, and we all celebrated afterwards.
That was also the day when they taught me about fasting. They told me that if I ever wanted something from God, that I should fast in order to give up something for him, and that would increase the chances of him giving me what I wanted. I had court coming up, and I was still scared, so I prayed to God to make sure everything went okay, and I fasted like they suggested.
I cannot tell you how joyful it felt to be able to talk to God again. It is no wonder why so many Christians abandon reason in order to engage in this type of behavior. I stopped before because I no longer found it rational. I saw no point in it if I believed no one was listening. But now, I rediscovered this feeling and had a renewal in my heart that God was real. It just seemed so obvious to me now. With everything happening, and how God just seemed to swoop in and save the day, I just couldn't believe that it wasn't God's doing. I mean, this terrible thing happened to me, and then right after I accepted God again, things started to get good again, and I got all of these invitations to go to church. It was like God was calling me. I had to respond.
When court came, I was absolutely delighted when the police told me that nothing bad was going to happen to me as long as I testified against my so-called friend. It was a good day for me. I attributed all this to God of course. I truly believed that he had answered my prayers. I believed that he was with me the whole time, and that everything was going to be okay as long as I continued to be faithful to him. Life was going to be much better. This is how powerful superstition can be. All it took was for a traumatic experience for me, an atheist, to rely on superstition to get through it. Then, when everything came about okay, I attributed that success to my prayers, and then attached additional superstitious elements to it, such as church and its rituals, and that was all it took for me to succumb. When you can do this, that is when you officially become a Christian.
But even though I was now a Christian again, I did not think about the beliefs of the church I had just joined. I really didn't know that much about them. But for some reason, I trusted them. They just seemed so nice, that I could not possibly think that they might be the type of evil Christians I knew about from before. This church just had to be different.
I came back for my second time and once again, I felt so loved. It was a wonderful experience. The more times I went, the more I realized just how nice they were, and I knew more and more that this was my new family. All the members hugged me, and called me "brother". They brought me food, and bought me pizza, as I was a vegetarian, and didn't eat the meat they usually had there. Of course I was disappointed that they weren't vegetarians, but I wasn't expecting that. All I expected from them was to be relatively moral and to teach me about God.
The pastor was also very nice and supportive. Any time you needed a prayer, he would drop everything and pray for you right then and there. I remember he was about to eat one time, and I had asked him if he could help me pray for someone I knew who was going through a very difficult time. This poor guy was just about to start eating after performing a sermon for hours, and he just put down his food and brought me in the office to talk about the situation and to do a special prayer for her. I will never forget that about him. He was like a father to everyone of us in the church.
At this time, I did not have a job. That was just part of my many problems. I had no money, and I was about to start going into debt with my credit card. So I was always happy when they got me food. But I also remember one day, two of the members had bought me some clothes and extra pairs of shoes. I was so surprised, and so thankful. They told me I should dress nicer for church. I thought I had dressed just fine, but it was church after all, so I decided I would dress as nice as I could from now on. I remember getting into my car that day to leave, and I had a tear in my eye. I talked to God and thanked him for bringing me here. I admitted that I was wrong before. There were good Christians, and good persons in general. I just couldn't see it before. But these persons genuinely cared about me and others.
After my second day, the pastor wanted me to begin personal Bible studies with him. And he said that I should start coming to church on Wednesdays in addition to Sundays in order to learn more about God. I agreed, because I did desire for my knowledge in God to increase, and it was an honor to be his student. I remember my first Bible study. The pastor came over with one of the church members, and we talked about the Bible, about faith, and about God. The church member that came with the pastor gave me a testimony about how good his life was after joining the church and having faith in God. I was told that eventually, I would be expected to tithe, which was giving money to the church. I remember my parents giving donations to our church before, so I didn't think anything of it. I felt that was to be expected, and I knew that if I had money, I would want to give anyways.
But even though at this time my faith in God and this church was growing, that doesn't mean that I wasn't given some chances to realize what was going on. I didn't realize or understand that they were already programming me, right from the minute I entered the church. I didn't know I was attending a cult. I certainly didn't know the church members were bad persons. And there was just so much about the church I didn't yet know. I didn't yet know about the leader, or the fact that they believed that only 4th Watchers were going to Heaven. I just couldn't see it at first. My mind was still weak. I could be told several things and witness several events that should have set off alarms in my head, but I just either ignored them, made excuses for them, or simply did not even think about there being anything wrong.
But like I said, I should have known when I was introduced to certain scenarios in the church, that I was dealing with something strange. For starters, the very first day I went there, while I had thought it to be somewhat weird the way that they acted while praying, after joining the church and seeing it so many times, I guess I became desensitized to it. And the fact that they would cry and chant, and yell out while praying didn't seem so weird to me anymore.
I also missed the fact that I was being told over and over again that I was unworthy, that I was a sinner, and that I was a nobody in God's eyes. Normally, I would consider this abusive behavior, but I ate it right up and accepted it. Like I said before, for some odd reason, hearing how bad of a person I was helped me to somehow feel better about myself. I know it doesn't make much sense, but that's how you are when you are a Christian. You do and think things that don't make sense.
And it didn't seem to bother me that every day I went to the church, they preached and preached about money and tithing. I had never seen so much devotion to asking for money by any church. They devoted a whole portion of the sermon every single day about how important it was for you to give the church money. They would tell us that good things would happen when we gave money to God, but that bad things would happen to us if we did not. They would teach that by not giving our tithes, we were somehow robbing God. The sad part is, I was buying it. I can honestly say that thankfully, I never once gave them money, but that was only because I didn't have any. I had no job and was getting into debt. I figured God would understand.
I was also being pushed to go to church just about every day I could. To this people, church was not just for Sunday morning. They had church services twice on Sunday, but also on Wednesday and Friday, and they were even thinking about adding a Saturday service. I never missed a Sunday morning, and even went to the night service sometimes. And while I tried to go to the Bible studies on Wednesdays, I just could never make it to the other ones. After all, I did have a life, and I was trying to start a new one. Going to church all the time was going to take away from that, so the fact that they wanted me to go just about every day should have also been a warning sign for me. But, I didn't see it.
I also remember this other time when I was talking to a church member who asked me to come on another day for a Bible study, and it just happened to be at the same time as my Bible study with my other group. Remember, I still had this other Bible study with my other friends that I attended every week. So I told her that I was unable to make it because of my other Bible study. The pastor heard this and took me to the side. He told me to be careful about other Bible studies, because they often don't teach the true word of God. Remember, at the time I did not know that they believed that only 4th Watchers had true knowledge about God and that only they would go to Heaven. The pastor didn't tell me this, but he "warned" me, that they could lead me astray. I wasn't quite sure how to take that, but I just brushed it off. He didn't know them, and if he did, I just thought he would know that they were nice persons and just as knowledgeable about God as he was.
An interesting note to make, is that when I went to the other Bible study, they also implied that they were worried about the same thing about my church. They knew I was enthusiastic about it, but they told me that from some of the things that they were hearing about it, it sounded a bit shaky. I kept their advice in mind, but I reassured them that I had never seen such passion in Christians, and that they did in fact teach Biblical truth. I really had no idea what I was saying.
But even though the signs were there, I kept going to the church and accepted what I was witnessing or being taught. But thankfully, my mind was healing, and I was recovering from my previous trauma. Because of this, my senses were starting to come back. Additional questionable church activity would also begin to alter my views on the church. My mind was starting to free itself. It was as if something inside of me was still fighting to become a normal person again. But this was my crucial moment. At this point, if I was strong enough to resist the attacks of the church, then I could make it. But I was going to have to take advantage of my healing mind after the increase in cultic attacks that were about to come my way.
I always said even before I joined the church, that while I enjoyed being back with God, I would never abandon reason. Though I actually did to a certain degree, there were certain principles that I was just not going to break. For instance, I was not going to be crazy and believe that the Earth was only a few thousand years old, or that evolution didn't happen. I wasn't going to hate gay persons. I just wasn't going to be like those Christians who did. Fortunately, the church I was a part of did not believe those things. I don't know why I believed that. They had not yet addressed such issues, so I had no reason to assume anything. I guess I just couldn't believe that my new family would feel that way. They just seemed so smart, that they would know better about the Earth. And they seemed so kind and loving, that I could not imagine them being bigots. I loved God and was willing to seek his truth, but even in my situation, I was able to hold onto certain principles.
I remember one of the first things that started to make me realize this place was odd was when I was having a Bible study with the pastor, and he was telling me about devotion to God. He told me that as Christians, we were to serve our lord as much as possible. That meant going to church as much as we could, and to not look to excuses to avoid attending. He said that we needed to go no matter what. And he told me that we were to go even if we were sick. I asked him to repeat that. He confirmed what he had just said, and he explained to me that being sick was not an excuse to miss church. I remember this set off the first alarm in my head. Even with everything that I had been brought face to face with over the past month, with my newly improved mind, I was able to properly interpret that statement as being odd.
Of course, if you were sick, what could you do? Not to mention the fact that if you come into church sick, you risk getting everyone else sick too. The pastor told me that God is our healer, and that if we don't go to church, we are not relying on him to heal us. I did not say anything, but kind of made it look like I just agreed, but I was thinking about that for a while. I just didn't agree with him. I had made the realization that what I just heard was something that fanatical Christians would say. And just to add to that, the pastor one day did come in sick once, and he should have stayed home.
I was a bit disappointed, because I had not expected my pastor to believe in something so wrong. But I just kind of brushed it off. So I disagreed with something. It was no big deal. It certainly wasn't going to stop me from going to church or believing in this pastor's teachings. After all, I was still growing as a Christian and was still eager to learn. I had to realize that I wasn't going to agree with everything he said, so it didn't stop me one bit. It was just something I kept in my mind.
At another Bible study, or perhaps the same one as I just mentioned, I asked the pastor to pray with me for my best friend who was now in the Philippines at the time and was struggling to meet her financial needs over there. This was the same friend who I helped with the event where I met the church members for the first time. My friend was Catholic, not a 4th Watcher, and she liked to model, to dance, and to basically have fun. But apparently, that was not liked by the 4th Watch. I couldn't believe it when he started telling me how much she needed help and how God was not approving of her lifestyle. In my head I was thinking, just pray for her please. He did, but not until after he gave me a talk about her. I didn't understand what it was about her that the church found so offensive.
I should have also thought more about the time when I asked my pastor on what the correct way to pray was. This was something I thought I should know. The fact that I was asking for what the "correct" way to pray should tell you something, perhaps that I was already thinking in a cultic way, but later on, I didn't like what the pastor told me. He said that in order to pray correctly, I needed to direct the prayer to Jesus only. I needed to start the prayer by adoring him, then confessing your sins, then you were to thank him for what he has done for you, and after all that, it was then okay to ask for what you wanted. But in learning this, I felt bad, because I wanted to believe what he was saying, but when I was young and really believed in God, I never directed my prayer towards Jesus, and I didn't always pray in those steps, and certainly not always in that order. According to the pastor, I was doing it wrong before, and that God wasn't really answering my prayers when I was little.
But I believe that what caused me to start thinking twice about the church the most was the sudden shift in attitude from the members. Remember how loving these persons were to me? Remember how I was given hugs and presents and food? Remember all of the kindness that they showed me before? All that started to fade away. I was no longer the "new guy" who had to be "initiated" into the church. I would see new members join the church, and I would see the others do the same thing they did to me. They would bombard them with hugs and presents. As for me, I was no longer expected to just come to church and listen to the pastor, I was now expected to participate in church activities. I was now expected to start becoming like them. (Cringe).
I remember the pastor came up to me one day and we started to talk. He mentioned to me that I should try to cry when I prayed. I didn't quite understand how I could cry if I didn't have the emotional need to. After all, it's kind of difficult to just make yourself cry. But also, I didn't understand why it was necessary to begin with. Of course I know the real reason now, but didn't back then. And I knew that God knew how much I was trying to be a good follower, and he knew how much I appreciated him. I did cry often when I prayed to him at night sometimes before I went to sleep, but I never had the urge to cry in church. Maybe I didn't want to look crazy, and I knew that's how I would look.
Before the main part of the service started, we always sang a number of songs where we praised God. During the songs, everyone would stand up and sing along. Many would dance, and some would have instruments that they would play along with the music being played. I was too shy to sing with them. I did stand up and clapped my hands, and I appreciated the songs as they played. I felt that God understood my worship, and he did not require me to sing any songs to do so.
But I remember once when we were singing the songs, one of the normally nice ladies tapped me on the back behind me and told me that it was time I started getting involved. At first I thought she was just kind of innocently suggesting that I start to sing. But she had this look on her face that said she was serious, and she told me that I just didn't have to stand there, that I could join in. It was like she was angry with me, like she was tired of me not participating more. After she said that, I started to sing, or at least act like I was. I didn't know if she was going to yell at me. Of course in my head I thought that was absurd, but I didn't really know what to think. Why was it so important that I sing with them? Was that really necessary to worship God? I would find out later why they wanted me to sing so badly.
I also remember that every time tithing was being preached and the collection bags were passed around, I would never put any money in there, and I started noticing faces from other members, as if they were angry with me for not giving up any money. I believed that they understood, but perhaps they didn't. I didn't have any money. I remember one night at a Bible study, two of the members were having a "serious" talk with me about money and tithing. One of the members told me this story about how she and her family were going through very tough times, that they didn't have much money either, but that when she started giving money to the church, her life picked back up and good things started to happen. She promised me that if I gave money, that my life would get better. I thought that what she did was irresponsible, but I didn't say anything. The truth was, I would give money if I had it, but I didn't have it.
The pastor also kept pushing me to go to church more. This was really starting to annoy me. I was already seeing these guys three times a week. Plus, I was seeing my other friends at their Bible study. I mean, I had a life. If I didn't choose to live it and only went to church, I was not taking advantage of the new life that I felt God had given me. Plus, it was actually around this time when I finally landed a job. I was going to be starting work soon, and I wouldn't be able to go to church in a few weeks as much as I was going now.
One day, it finally happened. We were having Sunday services and the pastor brought up evolution and his obvious denial of an obvious fact. He not only implied that it was all a lie, but he mocked it, making a joke about it. This really bothered me. Perhaps if they just disagreed with it, I might have felt better about it, but I couldn't get over that they were so passionate about shooting down one of the most significant scientific discoveries of the modern era. This was really my first main conflict. I refused to believe that evolution was not real. I was not stupid. But, being a Christian, what I did to overcome this conflict was trying to see if anything they said made sense. Did Christians have any good reasons as to why evolution might be true? I decided I would give it some consideration, but I still wouldn't believe what they wanted me to.
Another time, I remember him preaching on the stage and he was telling everybody how unimportant the world was, implying that it was not necessary to take care of our planet, because this world of ours was only temporary, and that the real world that we should care about is the one in which we are going to after we die and are judged. He also implied that by taking care of the world, you were showing love to the world, and the world would be acting like an idol, and God is the one that you were supposed to love and worship, not the world. Of course, they also deny global warming and the causes for this phenomenon. This is a great example of how superstition can be extremely dangerous.
Something else that I took issue with, but tried to brush off as no big deal at first, was when the pastor was preaching and he was saying how we were all bad persons, sinners who were unworthy of God's love, and how God should all kill us, but through his love spares us. He said that is why he sent Jesus, to save us from Hell. And he mentioned how Jesus said that no one came to the Father except through him. I kind of already heard this concept when the pastor was telling me about prayer. But then he went on to say that we were too immoral to go to God directly, and that God would kill us if we came near him. You don't have to call me an expert on ethics, but that didn't sound like a loving God to me.
But the question was how would I handle my beliefs when they obviously conflicted with those of the church? At first, I decided to just try and hide them. But I felt very strongly about things like evolution. But it wasn't just evolution. Take animal abuse for instance. I am an animal lover, and I know that it is wrong to mistreat non-humans, but the Bible obviously promoted animal abuse, and no one in the church seemed to care about animals. The pastor would just casually talk about how God ordered the killing of animals to pay for the sins of humans, as if there was nothing wrong about that, because they were just animals. I just couldn't look past that, though I tried.
So what I ended up doing was trying to come up with excuses, just like I had done before a long time ago, to defend my beliefs in God. But this time, I was also trying to justify my desire to stay with the church when they were obviously teaching things that I did not agree with. I was afraid that they also felt that homosexuality was wrong too, but I was afraid to ask, and I was now trying to hold onto reasons to keep going to the church, as I was now having second thoughts about joining in the first place.
I remember driving to and from church thinking about my disagreements with the church. I was proud to be a Christian and I promised God that I would never leave him again. I felt that I had come so far, so I didn't want to just stop going to church, and I had so many friends that I didn't want to leave behind. They were all counting on me and I didn't want to let them down. So I was thinking of excuses, not only to keep me believing in God, but also reasons as to why I should keep going to this particular church. Actually, making up excuses was becoming a habit of mine. I was thinking that maybe God sent me to this church to teach them the right ways, that evolution was real, and that homosexuality was not immoral, if they actually thought that it was. I realize now that it was silly, but it was difficult coping with everything that I was feeling, from desire to know God to pure confusion.
You must believe though, that through it all, I still believed in God, I just wasn't sure anymore if the 4th Watch was the best religion to belong to, as they clearly taught some things that were just wrong. But I continued to go to church anyways, and even though I was having my doubts, I still considered myself a 4th Watcher. I felt that since I still had my own personal relationship with God, it didn't really matter as to which church I went to. Although funny enough, the pastor talked about this sort of thing not too long ago, and he mentioned that having personal relationships like mine were not right with God. But I guess I just didn't agree. I felt that I could use the church as a way to express my love for God. Besides, I still actually liked very much going to church. It wasn't something I wanted to stop doing.
Because of all this, I began to withdraw from the church. I still never missed church on Sunday morning, but I would not go to the night service. Also, I was becoming less interested in the personal Bible studies I was having with the pastor, and pretty much stopped going. Plus, I was going to be starting my new job soon, and I would have less time for church anyways.
It was around this time when I had my last Bible study with the pastor. This last time was when he finally revealed to me about the apostle. He told me that the Christian church could not be without an apostle. He didn't say anything else, but I found it logical that if we needed an apostle, we must have an apostle now then, and I asked who it was. He told me, but I soon forgot the name. The thing was, with the way he told me, the idea of a cult leader just didn't come into my head. The word "apostle" to me just meant a teacher of Jesus Christ. I figured that several church members simply appointed him to be the head teacher of the church, and that was it. I knew nothing about the history or true intentions of this man.
Because of this, I didn't really talk about it after that, but the pastor did bring him up before we left that day. We were about to leave when I told the pastor that I still had so many questions about God. The pastor told me that I should talk to the apostle, that I could meet him when the church members would go to their annual "camp". The pastor told me that meeting the apostle was a real enlightening experience, that when he speaks, you can just feel God flowing through him. I was intrigued. Of course, I should have been skeptical, but yeah, all these things I missed. I also didn't connect the idea of camps and conventions being cultic either. It took me much longer to make all of the necessary connections.
I had been going to the 4th Watch church for two months, and now I was starting to have serious doubts about my commitment to the church. I did not agree with many of their teachings and I could see some serious problems with their behavior. But at this point, I was not ready to give it up. However, I did start to become less interested, and I believe the pastor and others could see this. I was no longer as passive as I was when I first joined. My mind had been coming back to me, and I was not as easily influenced any more.
It was around this time that I had strongly befriended a certain member in the church. Many of the church members and I were at a party that was hosted by my other church friend who I was already close to. Anyways, this other woman started talking to me, and I just got real comfortable with talking to her. It was kind of magical how it just happened. One day we really weren't that close, and then all of a sudden, we were. I was very comfortable around her. She didn't make me nervous for some reason. We both laughed and talked about private things, and I don't know anymore about her, but I know I enjoyed our time together. It was really something. It was as if God just "assigned" her to me. Nothing about the friendship seemed strange to me at the time, except for the fact that a girl was talking to me, which was in fact rare.
At this party, I remember sitting down with some of the church members and I mentioned that my other friend who had just come back from the Philippines was unable to attend. I mentioned she was modeling, and it was as if she was the biggest sinner in the world when you looked at the faces of some of the church members. Again, I just didn't know why they disliked her so much. What was it about sexiness, modeling, dancing, and having fun that was so offensive?
But after that day, the woman that I had just befriended at the party and I, began to spend more time together. I was really enjoying this new friendship. We would continue to talk about things, and I started to reveal how that I was having some trouble dealing with a few things about the church. For instance, I couldn't be certain if the Bible was completely inspired by God. She seemed to understand my concerns. She told me to keep talking to the pastor about my faith, and that it would be good to keep having personal Bible studies. But I told her that I just no longer had the time to do that, and I didn't want to be in church all the time. I told her that I wanted to meet the apostle, because I had so many questions to ask him about God, and she urged me to go to the camp in order to meet him. Unfortunately, it was doubtful that I could go, as it was too expensive, and I had just started working again.
Anyways, I continued to spend more time with her, and because of her, my interest in the church was starting to make a comeback. She got me more involved with church activities. We were starting to prepare for our church anniversary, and she was putting together posters and stuff and asked me if I could help her. I was happy to. The pastor had also asked me to make some posters and flyers for the church on my computer, as I was a graphic artist, and was good at making things like that. I was actually happy that I was getting more involved, because it was giving me more purpose in being here in the church. But I was also happy to help because all this time I was never able to give them any money. I finally had gotten a job, but I still couldn't give anything, because I was already in debt and I needed to save as much as I could. I wasn't getting paid that much to begin with and I was not going to be irresponsible like that other 4th Watcher. So this way, I felt that I was finally able to give back somehow.
And boy did I give back. I worked so hard in helping them prepare for this anniversary of theirs. I stayed up for several hours several nights finishing these posters and flyers that the pastor wanted. I was not going to let him down. And I did a great job too. Then, I was asked to put together a PowerPoint slideshow for them as well. This actually took the most work and I had to work as fast as I could to get it done. It wasn't fun, but I was happy that they asked me and I was more than willing to do it for them. But now, I expected for them to know that I was committed, and that money wasn't the only way to give to God. Well that's what I was hoping anyway.
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